Trust
by AliuIce0814
Summary: "It's not that I don't trust you. It's that you don't trust me." Jason teaches Spinelli about letting go.


As soon as Jason stepped through the door to the penthouse, he knew something was wrong. Even without glimpsing Spinelli's thunderous expression, Jason could tell he was upset; tension rolled off the computer hacker in waves. Jason cursed mentally and let the door slam. "What is it, Spinelli?"

Spinelli's face darkened further. "Nothing."

The petulant edge to Spinelli's voice made Jason's frustration mount. "Spinelli…"

"The Jackal is merely disappointed that his only function in life has become menial research while Stone Cold gallops off on his figurative noble steed to rescue yet another damsel in distress from the dastardly evildoer of the day."

It took Jason one minute to work his mind around the phrase "noble steed" and another to translate from Spinelli to English. When he finally caught his roommate's meaning, Jason's eyes narrowed. "I thought you liked digging around the Internet."

"While hacking may be an enjoyable task, even the most joyous of jobs can become mundane when one must repeat them day after day!" Spinelli snapped. Before Jason even began to form a response, Spinelli plowed onward stubbornly: "Why is it that everyone from Mister Sir to the Fair Samantha is permitted to join Stone Cold on his dangerous escapades, but the Jackal is not? Is it because the Jackal is, perhaps, too weak?" A strange, bitter note crept into Spinelli's voice, and his aquamarine eyes flashed with hurt as he finished, "Does Stone Cold not trust his own Grasshopper?"

As soon as Spinelli reached the crux of the matter, Jason shook his head emphatically. "No. Spinelli, it's not that I don't trust you." While the younger man eyed him doubtfully, Jason continued, "It's that _you_ don't trust _me_."

"I do trust you!" Spinelli's shock tore all flowery speech from him as he launched to his feet. "I _do_ trust you! The Jackal—surely Stone Cold knows that the—the Jackal trusts him with his very life…"

"Really?" Jason fought to keep all skepticism from his voice as he carefully edged around Spinelli. Before the computer hacker could respond, he found that his Stone Cold was suddenly breathing down his neck. "Okay, then. Fall."

"Wh—What?"

Jason frowned at the terrified squeak. "You heard me. Fall. I'll catch you."

From his position directly behind Spinelli, Jason could clearly see the other man's whole body tremble. "M—may the Jackal inquire why Stone Cold request that such a feat be performed?"

_Such a feat—I'm asking you to fall into my arms, not jump off the docks! _"Listen, Spinelli," Jason said through gritted teeth, "you told me that you trusted me. This is your chance to prove it! Letting me catch you has got to be the simplest form of trust out there. Hell, I'm pretty sure Emily and her friends used to do this on the playground!" More gently, as Spinelli's shoulders began to shake, Jason went on, "What are you scared of? D'you think I'm going to let you get hurt?"

Spinelli froze; then, reluctantly, he nodded miserably. "Yes…"

"I won't. I'm right here, just a couple of feet behind you. If you don't trust me enough to just let me catch you, how will you ever trust me enough to follow orders when you're out there getting shot at?"

"I don't know!" Once again, the words seemed torn from Spinelli as he lost control. He twisted around enough to shoot Jason an anguished glare. "The Jackal doesn't know!"

"Okay, okay." The uncovered terror in Spinelli's eyes disturbed Jason. For the first time in ages, he wondered where this kid had come from, who had twisted him into being the tongue-tied, nervous Jackal. _I would never mean to hurt you! _"Listen to me, Spinelli. You're not going to get hurt. I'm right here, always will be, okay? Don't do this for me. Do it for yourself. Let me catch you…please."

Spinelli squeezed his eyes shut. Jason watched him with an ever-deepening frown. _Will he or won't he? C'mon, Spinelli, I know you can do this! I know you're strong enough!_

"Are you sure?" When he spoke, eyes still shut, Spinelli's voice sounded as fragile as spun sugar. "Are you sure you'll catch me?"

"'M right here."

For a long minute, Spinelli remained frozen with Jason waiting patiently behind him. Then, just as Jason thought Spinelli would never do it, Spinelli's green eyes flew wide and, with the tiniest of cries, he let himself fall backwards toward the floor.

Immediately, Jason caught Spinelli in his arms; the younger man never even had a chance of hitting the floor. Jason could feel, despite Spinelli's ever-tense muscles, that the Jackal was just a slip of a human being. Holding him was more like holding little Morgan than anything. _When did he get so thin? _Guilt seeped into Jason as he realized that he could feel every single one of Spinelli's ribs, even through his thick sweatshirt. _What have I missed?_

Something wet dripped onto Jason's hand. It took him a moment to realize that it was a tear. "Spinelli? You okay?" When Spinelli's only reply was to sniffle, Jason cursed under his breath and pushed him upright. "You okay, Spinelli?"

"No!" Spinelli managed to force the word out before he collapsed onto the couch. Jason cussed again as the computer hacker buried him face in his hands. Not for the first time, Jason shot a few curses in the direction of Hell where A.J. must have been for taking his memories away from him. Maybe Jason Quartermaine could have comforted a sobbing Spinelli, but Jason Morgan's fried synapses gave him no clue as to where to begin. _What do I do now?_

_ What would Sonny do?_

Jason almost snorted at the thought; it was so random and inappropriate because Sonny hated Spinelli the way he hated his stepfather, the way he hated Claudia, the way he hated his younger, weaker self. Still, the question _What would Sonny do, Jason? _tickled the back of Jason's mind. _What would Sonny do if it were you crying? _

_When was the last time I cried?—Never mind. Well, he'd get me to calm down…_ "Shh, Spinelli," Jason whispered as he lowered himself onto the couch beside Spinelli. Hesitantly, he reached a hand out to touch Spinelli's back, where he could feel every single vertebra, and began to rub wide, comforting circles across Spinelli's endlessly tense muscles. The contact bothered Jason slightly, as human contact always did to the fractured part of his mind, but he forced his own discomfort away as Spinelli's tears turned to hiccups, then sniffles. _He needs me. Spinelli needs me._

_What next? _When Spinelli's tears finally faded away, Jason reluctantly removed his comforting hand. He found, to his surprise, that he did not mind rubbing Spinelli's back; it sort of reminded him of rocking baby Michael to sleep all those years ago. "Hey, Spinelli, look at me."

Jason's words seemed to have a contrary effect on Spinelli. The computer hacker jerked his head sharply away from Jason and put a hand to his forehead with a groan. Jason scowled at this and, catching Spinelli's chin in one hand, forced him to turn back around. "Spinelli. Talk." These words sounded harsh even to Jason's ears, so he quickly added, "Please. Please talk to me, Spinelli. Why didn't you trust me?"

"Because everyone I trust _ruins_ me in the end!" Gone was the Jackal and all his elaborate orations about faith and love. In his place, Jason found a shaking, wild-eyed Spinelli who was barely more than a boy. "Because if I trust you, you'll abandon me just like everyone else."

"_Spinelli._" Jason struggled for a moment to point out that he had never abandoned Spinelli before—only to realize that he had. With Spinelli shivering in terror beneath his hand, Jason felt his heart sink just as much as it had the night Ian Devlin shot Michael. "What, d'you think I'm going to hit you or something? I'm not. I caught you, remember? I didn't let you fall this time, even if I have…before. I guess you were right not to trust me, huh," he added softly.

Spinelli tried to shrug and shake his head at the same time. "The Jackal does owe Stone Cold much," he admitted diplomatically. "After all, he has graciously welcomed the Jackal to reside in the Regrettably Pink Room for the foreseeable future—"

"Hey, no. Stop that. Listen. Listen, Spinelli!" Once Spinelli shut his mouth, Jason hesitated. He hadn't exactly thought of what he would say next. "Um…listen, Spinelli, if…if it were Carly staying in the pink room, would you question it?"

"N—no…"

"Michael."

"No…"

Jason raised an eyebrow. "Sonny?"

"Um…" Spinelli's sea green eyes were round with confusion. "The Jackal highly doubts that Mister Sir would ever have need of such lamentably pink space."

"That's not my point. Would you question it?"

After a second, Spinelli shook his head. "No. All those that Stone Cold named happen to be a part of Stone Cold's chosen family, as it were."  
"Well, so are you."

The words seemed to stun both of them. A light pink blush began to tiptoe across Spinelli's otherwise pale cheeks, and, to Jason's bemusement, he could feel a similar sensation creeping across his face. Spinelli seemed frozen like a deer in the headlights between hope and fear.

Somehow, Jason understood that it was now or never. "You are my family," he repeated. As he watched Spinelli's astonished visage carefully, Jason forged onwards, "I don't usually like to talk or—or touch, or anything _normal_ people do. I don't know if that's because of the accident or if I was just born that way. I guess…I guess I haven't really expressed myself clearly enough before now.

"You are my family, Spinelli. I don't know whether to use the word 'brother' or not, 'cause it's honestly not the most comfortable word for me—" _A.J., _Jason thought bitterly, _damn him! _"—but I do know that I like that you sleep in the pink room. I like coming home and seeing your laptop on the couch or reaching in the fridge for a beer and getting an orange soda instead. Yeah, you annoy the hell out of me sometimes, but usually that's just because I'm afraid you'll do something stupid and get yourself hurt, not because I'm really mad at you." As his words echoed away, Jason swallowed and gave Spinelli an abnormally anxious look. "Does that make sense?"

Spinelli's brow knitted. "You—uh—_Stone Cold_ enjoys his Grasshopper's presence?" he tried.

"My _brother's_," Jason growled softly. "So trust me! I caught you before, remember? I'll always catch you when you fall. Always, Spinelli. Trust me. Trust _yourself_."

Spinelli's eyes were now so wide that Jason wondered if they might not fall out and roll away. The moment seemed suspended in time, just as the second before Spinelli's fall had, as the shaking computer hacker sized Jason up. Then, suddenly, he slumped into the couch with a nod. "The Ja—_I _trust you."

Jason stifled a sigh of relief and cleared his scratchy throat. "Good. Don't forget it. You tell me if something's wrong, right? And _gain weight_."

"Yes, Mother Hen."

The sarcasm in Spinelli's voice made Jason chuckle. "Starting now. Here, I'll cook you something."

"Stone Cold will _cook_? No offense meant," Spinelli sputtered as Jason scowled at him. "Would pancakes and orange soda be on the menu?"

"Only if you help me, Spinelli." Jason climbed to his feet, then reached a hand down to pull Spinelli up. "You okay?"

"Yes, Mother Hen! The Jackal is—is actually near exuberance at the thought of his Stone Cold whipping up such a delectable treat as pancakes on such short notice!" Indeed, Spinelli's eyes finally glinted with a bit of mischief. As Jason turned to go to the kitchen, the younger man's voice called him back softly, "Stone Cold said he would always catch the Jackal. Should that be taken only figuratively, or can it be taken literally as well?"

With a tiny frown, Jason turned back to Spinelli in order to catch his meaning. To his surprise, Spinelli was turned away from him, though he was looking back over his shoulder at Jason with trust tinting his eyes light. Jason felt a grin tug at his features again as he stepped up behind Spinelli. "Trust me?"

Shyly, blissfully, Spinelli whispered, "Yes," and then fell back into Jason's strong, constant hold.


End file.
